tosie_bonner

Sing a song with my son...

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 20:17:58 GMT

So, in the spirit of Christmas, here's a holiday tale featuring my 7-year-old boy...the child of a thousand questions:

ME (Singing): Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...

MY BOY: Dad?

ME: Yeah boy?

MY BOY: Why is the goose getting fat?

ME: Because people are feeding him a bunch.

MY BOY: Why are they doing that?

ME: So he'll get fat and they can eat him for Christmas dinner.

MY BOY: They want to eat a goose?

ME: This is an old song. People used to eat lots of weird things.

MY BOY: Oh.

ME: Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Please to put a penny in the old man's hat...

MY BOY: Dad?

ME: Yeeessss?

MY BOY: Why are you putting a penny in the old man's hat?

ME: Because he's poor and needs money.

MY BOY: And all you're going to give him is a penny?

ME: Like I said, this is an old song. A penny used to be a lot of money.

MY BOY: Oh.

ME: Okay. Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Please to put a penny in the old man's hat. If you have no penny, a ha'penny will do...

MY BOY: Daaad?

ME: I think I know what you're going to ask now...

MY BOY: What's a ha'penny?

ME: Knew it! Anyhow, a ha'penny is less than a penny.

MY BOY: Less than a penny?

ME: Again, the song's OLD. They used to have coins that were less than a penny. You get a few of those, and you'd have a penny.

MY BOY: Where can I get a ha'penny?

ME: England, late 1700's. Can I finish the song?

MY BOY: Sure.

ME: Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Please to put a penny in the old man's hat. If you have no penny, a ha'penny will do. If you have no ha'penny then God bless you!

MY BOY: Dad?

ME: Yessir.

MY BOY: Why God bless you?

ME: Well, what the song is saying is that if you've got a penny to spare, give a penny. If you can only give less than a penny - a HA'PENNY - that's fine. But if you're too poor and you don't even have a ha'penny, then we hope God blesses you because you don't have ANY money to spare.

MY BOY: So if you've got a penny, give a penny. If you've only got ha'pennies, give that. And if you don't have that, God bless you.

ME: Right.

My son thinks this over for a second, then (and I'm not making this up)...

MY BOY: What if you don't have pennies or ha'pennies, but you only have nickels?

***

I experienced my first aneurysm shortly after this conversation.

I'll be posting sporadically through the New Year, but Merry Christmas to all and - as the song says - GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Funny links!

Comic book great J.M. DeMatteis shares a Christmas Story:
http://jmdematteis.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-gift.html

Slayings, Hit & Runs, And Hangings: The Most Disturbing Snowmen Ever:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/23/dont-eat-the-red-snow-the_n_401901.html

Do Unto Others - Screw With Your Job Interviewer:
http://www.babelgum.com/browser.php#play/SEARCH_SIMILAR,clipID:142642,includeClip:true,order:MOST_RELEVANT/1,142641

I was Santa!

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:45:52 GMT

And I ruled! I learned a lot of things about being Santa yesterday. They are as follows:

1) Santa suits are hot. I suppose if you have an expensive uber-nice Santa suit, maybe the material would breathe. But the suit I was given? Holy shmokes! I'm sure I lost a few pounds in water-weight wearing that sucker.

2) Wearing the suit changes your voice. Just as wearing an eye-patch makes you talk like a pirate, once I put on the suit, my voice dropped two octaves and I answered everything with a Ho-Ho-Ho. The suit's enchanted, I tell ya. (Although my wife said I just sounded like a dirty old man every time a teen girl sat on my lap. Maybe Mrs. Claus was jealous?)

3) Santa can be scary. There were little kids that I've played outside of the suit who wouldn't come within 5 feet of me while I was wearing it. There was a look of abject terror on their faces when they saw me. I did everything I could to make them unafraid, and while it worked in one or two cases, the rest - still terrified. I felt bad, but what can you do?

4) As mentioned, the suit is enchanted. Kids, teens, adults - everyone who knew me seemed to look at me differently in the suit. It's almost like wearing a priest's collar - it just demands respect (even if you look kinda ridiculous). My kids (who knew it was me in the suit) couldn't stop smiling looking at me - AND they were a bit nervous to approach me wearing it. It's like they sensed I had the ability to put them on the naughty or nice list (which I do). It was just AWESOME!

In short, I had a great time and would do it again in a heartbeat. I'd try to pad my belly even better (and get the beard to stick to my face more) if I did it again, but I'm ready to heed the call!

HO-HO-HO!

And, for the record, I am a dirty old man too.

Funny links!

Brittany Murphy, 1977-2009:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43435

There's A TOY STORY 3 Clip Online!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43438

Sunday Morning Cartoon - Tiger And Archie:
http://www.bleedingcool.com/2009/12/20/sunday-morning-cartoon-tiger-and-archie/

Five Gaping Plot Holes Hollywood Knows You Won't Notice:
http://www.cracked.com/article/18345_5-gaping-plot-holes-hollywood-knows-you-wont-notice/

James Franco stars in the The Tizzle Wizzle Show, a brand-spanking new children's program. From HELL!
http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2009/12/james-franco-was-really-really-high

The Egg Nog Bong:
http://www.kontraband.com/videos/5069/Eggnog-Bong/#show

Some say "Why tap dance the Super Mario theme," while others say "Why not?"
http://www.ejb.com/video/21591/Mario_dance.html

In all fairness, you would have passed out too had a chick this hot told you she wanted you to lie under a glass coffee table and watch her take a shit on it.* (*Probably not what she said, but it's in another language so we can speculate):
http://nothingtoxic.com/media/1261373880/Buttoned_Down_Guy_Passes_Out_During_Live_Interview

James May's Lego House Finally Shown Being Lived In:
http://gizmodo.com/5431384/james-mays-lego-house-finally-shown-being-lived-in

Turtles and Rats Will Run Away When I Wear This Hoodie:
http://gizmodo.com/5430939/turtles-and-rats-will-run-away-when-i-wear-this-hoodie

Hey, where was that dorky guy on Thursday?

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:23:58 GMT

Helping out at the kids' school...again.

Between that and a jillion other pre-Christmas-y things going on, I'm exhausted.

One week to go...but it will be a good one.

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Funny links!

YouTube doubler - keep an eye on the singing goat:
http://www.youtubedoubler.com/?video1=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fv%2FHsF_2CNV9v4&start1=3&video2=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fv%2F06CvUjLgK5g&start2=0

The 15 Worst Comics of the Decade, Part 1
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2009/12/17/the-15-worst-comics-of-the-decade/

Unofficial 2009 Spec Market Scorecard:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/unofficial-2009-spec-market-scorecard/

I, for one, believe competitive tape measuring should be an Olympic event:
http://www.ejb.com/video/21582/Tape_measure_skills.html

Parents are so embarrassing. I mean can you believe that she would photobomb her daughter with that haircut?
http://thisisphotobomb.com/2009/12/16/photobomb-that-guy-msn-mom-bomb/

The 15 Funniest Local News Reports Of 2009:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-15-funniest-local-news-reports-of-2009

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:33:35 GMT

I found out this week that I get to be Santa Claus for our church kiddies!

Who better, right?

This is my dream.

This is my destiny.

Plus, I get the added benefit of blaming funny smells on the kids.

Funny links!

A great He-Man picture - yeah, you heard me...
http://www.bleedingcool.com/2009/12/16/wednesday-runaround-2/

This picture will melt your mind:
http://i.imgur.com/Kv0yM.jpg

Dangerous Wands...The Ghetto Harry Potter - this is great!
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1925557

Will Arnett+David Cross in New Show in UK = HILARIOUS:
http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/tag/the-increasingly-poor-decisions-of-todd-margaret

Awesome lighting display:
http://failblog.org/2009/12/16/christmas-lighting-win/

The Fifty Best Comic Book Covers Of 2009:
http://best.complex.com/lists/The-50-Best-Comic-Book-Covers-of-2009/cable-11

I'm sooo good...

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:34:13 GMT

I'm about 95% done with the Christmas shopping. And for the record, I'm the one who does all the kids' present shopping.

Let's face it - who knows more about cool toys than me?

Besides, I couldn't subject them to gifts from my dear & lovely wife. She comes from a family where socks are an acceptable Christmas gift (they're not).

Not that her family's cheap - they're actually very thoughtful! They just don't know any better.

Hey, my family's not perfect either. My mom still buys us those tacky T-shirts when she goes on trips ("Why, yes, I DID need a baseball cap with the state of Alaska on it!").

Anyhow, my kids should feel lucky.

It's kind of weird. I think there's an age where you're supposed to lose that sense of what kids' toys are fun. I, fortunately, missed that age.

Maybe it's the age of 27 - I don't remember that year at all...

A whole crapload of funny links!

See Nicolas Cage In Costume As 'Big Daddy' In KICK ASS!! There's Awesome Video Here, Too!!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43375

Frank Miller's New 300 Project Revealed At Last!! It's Called XEROX, I Mean, XERXES!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43381

HFPA's 2010 Golden Globes Nominations:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/hfpa-golden-globes-nominations/#more-20203

The sexiest X-Man of all...Mystique!
http://s133702574.onlinehome.us/pictures/blog/mystique.jpg

A cool Misney drawing:
http://www.bleedingcool.com/2009/12/15/tuesday-morning-chewing-on-misney/

Here's The Trailer For Ridley Scott's ROBIN HOOD!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43379

Even a hater doesn't hate Avatar - weird:
http://defamer.gawker.com/5427160/apologia--avatar-amazingly-does-not-suck

I want my MTV:
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2009/12/i-want-my-mtv.html

11 Of The Coolest Bookcases - I love books!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/15/11-of-the-coolest-bookcas_n_391684.html

Making URLs shorter for Google Toolbar and FeedBurner:
http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2009/12/making-urls-shorter-for-google-toolbar.html

Clash of the Moguls - James Cameron Vs. Peter Jackson:
http://www.mania.com/james-cameron-vs-peter-jackson_article_119417.html

There are no police available:
http://i.imgur.com/rKRYV.jpg

Toy Description Fail:
http://failblog.org/2009/12/15/toy-description-fail/

Tiger Woods finally sets the record straight regarding his extra-curricular activities. He's a complicated bitch fucker:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a4820e5cbc/i-am-tiger-woods

Children's Letters To Christopher Walken > Children's Letters To Santa:
http://www.brandonbird.com/walken_letters.html

Piece of Muppet!
http://soul71.deviantart.com/art/Piece-of-Muppet-62077826

Supposedly this is the worst date ever, but I say pics or it didn't happen. Oh ok, the MS Paint images will suffice. That's what you get for taking all that creatine, buddy:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191

Wanted - best friend...

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:29:16 GMT

So it's been awhile since I had a "best friend." I mean I've always had lots of friends, but it seems it's been too long since I had a male life-mate. I've been going under the pretense that my wife was my best friend, but I think I need a bff that doesn't make my pants feel funny.

My last best friend was in college. We were best buds in high school, on the wrestling team together, and we shared more goofy adventures than I can even remember. He was like a brother.

I met my wife back in high school, but I told her, "If you like me, you've gotta like my friend" (okay, stop the inappropriate thoughts). He became her best friend too. A few years after high school, my friend met a girl...and got weird.

The girl messed with his head in sooo many ways - he pretty much cut himself off from me and my lady. She actually had him sewing dresses (if you knew who this guy was, you'd know how ridiculous that sounded). He was still seeing this "beast" when the wifey and I were going to get married. I asked him to be an usher (best men in the Greek Orthodox faith have to be Orthodox, but he had kinda stopped being a "best man" a year before that anyhow). When he told me his girlfriend wouldn't come and asked me what time the wedding would be over because he had to get back to her, I told him to either grow a pair or not come to the wedding at all.

He actually told the girlfriend he was going no matter what she said - I was amazed.

Still, we weren't quite the same after that. Eventually, he broke up with this girl and eventually married an ultra-Christian lady (also kinda weird if you knew this guy). Still, she was really nice, and they seemed happy. I was best man at their wedding.

I tried to keep in touch with him after this, but he didn't seem interested. I send him a yearly Christmas email (when I can find him), but that's about it. Still makes me sad to this day...

I had some really good friends when I lived in L.A. A couple even came close to "best friend" material, but then I moved. I'm still good friends with these guys, but it's hard to be best buds a couple of states away.

Actually, one of the friends in L.A. had me be Best Man at his wedding. Five (or so) years later, he and his wife (also a good friend of mine) got divorced...and didn't even bother telling me!

I want to be helpful. I WANT to have a friend who needs me for things - whether it's to talk to or just bullshit.

Maybe I'm not making myself available enough...which was kinda hard when the kids were wee little ones. Now that they're older, maybe I can have a social life again.

Obviously, anyone wanting to apply for the bff position has to be patient enough to deal with a lot of whining.

Guess I'm just feeling some holiday blues. I'll deal...

Anyway, peace on earth and funny links to all!

Google Year-End Countdown Easter Egg:
http://lifehacker.com/5425973/google-year+end-countdown-easter-egg

An Awesome Car Commercial:
http://www.autoblog.com/2009/12/14/video-australian-yaris-ad-gets-banned-for-being-raunchy/

What's Basically the Most Adorable Children's Gift I Can Imagine:
http://gizmodo.com/5425935/whats-basically-the-most-adorable-childrens-gift-i-can-imagine

How NOT To Avoid Jury Duty!
http://news-channel.posterous.com/

20 Butt Ugly Tattoos:
http://www.cityrag.com/main/2009/12/20-butt-ugly-tattoos.html

The Big McSausage Egg Surf And Turf Mac is 1,730 calories of deliciousness...feeling hungry?
http://eatingtheroad.wordpress.com/2009/12/12/will-they-build-it-mcdonalds-big-mcsausage-egg-surf-turf-mac/

The 10 Most Baffling Action Figure Accessories of All-Time:
http://www.cracked.com/article/236_the-10-most-baffling-action-figure-accessories-all-time/

Computer acting wonky this morning...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:48:22 GMT

So I'm gonna funny link and run!

The Trades Have Their Reviews Up For James Cameron’s AVATAR!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43345
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/london-weighs-in-early-on-camerons-avatar/

Mr. Cameron's Next VOYAGE Could Be FANTASTIC, And He May Stop By Pandora Again As Well!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43350

The Black List Top 10 - dammit, I didn't make it:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/the-black-list-to-be-posted-here-in-entirety/

Windows 7 USB Download Tool Lets You Install Windows from a Thumb Drive:
http://lifehacker.com/5423747/windows-7-usb-download-tool-lets-you-install-windows-from-a-thumb-drive

Free working LCD TV:
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/ele/1498514993.html

Advent calendar for the boys as they get to college…
http://twitpic.com/sscol

A Christmas card for funky Christians…
http://www.americangreetings.com/ecards/display.pd?N=374980&prodnum=3094053

A gift that says, “I hate you, mailman.”
http://cgi.ebay.com/large-flat-rate-box-full-of-concrete-just-under-70-lbs_W0QQitemZ260518704963QQcm

Men with cats - Y-man, you need to add your picture here:
http://www.manofest.com/Galleries/Bizarre/30-Men-With-Cats/Men-With-Cats-2-8316.html#joomimg

Let's hope the office never runs out of paper:
http://thechive.com/2009/12/09/the-boss-will-never-know-3-photos/

When reality intrudes on your writing...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:47:17 GMT

So, one of the plot points in the script I'm writing concerns a character who doesn't have health insurance. Therefore, I've been following the current legislation quite closely. I wanted the Public Option to pass, because I like my fellow Americans. But at the same time, if it passed, I would've had to rejigger a bit of the script.

Now that the senate has cut out the public option portion, I'm both pissed at our congressional leaders and slightly relieved I don't have extra script work. Doesn't that sound horrible?

I'm getting coal in my stocking this year. Oh well...

Funny links!

Disney's Jewish American Princess:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/spoof-disneys-jewish-american-princess/

The Vacuum iPod Accessory - is it April 1st?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/10/ipod-vacuum-silence-ampli_n_386921.html

PedoBear Hoodie - this is not a trap!
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/320/c/0/PedoBear_Hoodie_Costume_by_calgarycosplay.jpg

25 Extreme Examples of Laziness:
http://www.holytaco.com/25-extreme-examples-laziness

Deep Fried What?!? - From pizza and burgers to scorpions and jelly beans, you can deep fry everything:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/food/sns-viral-fried-pictures,0,1511251.photogallery

5 Clothing Innovations That Will be Annoying You Soon:
http://www.cracked.com/article/224_5-clothing-innovations-that-will-be-annoying-you-soon/

Everything you ever wanted to know about the tragedy that is The Star Wars Holiday Special, but were too busy not wanting your memories raped to ask:
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/starwars-holiday/

Ah, yesss...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:47:43 GMT

I finally got a good night of sleep. It feels like forever since I've done that.

I don't know why I've been out of sorts, but I have. Maybe this is the first step back into things...

That'd be good.

I've been busy with a jillion things. I'm sure all of you have too. Christmas shopping and decorating, housework and paperwork, the day job has been busy, and all sorts of other stuff.

I haven't done much writing lately, which has really bummed me out. I'm trying to get back into a steady pattern, but I've been off. Hopefully I'll get back to it soon. I'm pretty excited about the script - I've just got to get it on paper!

I'm also busy with the comic website. I've been in charge of the Year End wrap-up for awhile. This year, my editor thought a Decade-In-Review piece would be good.

Yeah, that'll keep me busy.

But better to be busy than not, right? ;)

Have a great day! And funny links!

FIVE CHRISTMAS HORROR MOVIES THAT PROBABLY SHOULDN’T EXIST:
http://www.viceland.com/int/guide_holidays_09/htdocs/five-christmas-horror-movies-103.php

How to answer summary questions:
http://i.imgur.com/NWqCz.jpg

Giant Mysterious Spiral Takes Over the Skies of Norway:
http://gizmodo.com/5422574/giant-mysterious-spiral-takes-over-the-skies-of-norway

How to Build a Pencil Crossbow:
http://gizmodo.com/5422121/how-to-build-a-pencil-crossbow/gallery/

14 Holiday Decorations You Won't See in the Neighborhood This Year:
http://gizmodo.com/5421903/14-holiday-decorations-you-wont-see-in-the-neighborhood-this-year

15 of your Favorites Male Cartoon and Comic Book Heroes Turned Hot Chick:
http://unrealitymag.com/index.php/2009/12/09/superheroes-changed-into-hot-girls/

The Collectible Glasses That Haunted Our Childhoods:
http://io9.com/5422247/the-collectible-glasses-that-haunted-our-childhoods

Blargity-bleerg-bloorg...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:57:53 GMT

Had a cold yesterday.

Busy with crap today.

I need to say something good. Let me try...

Good.

Don't test my patience. Here's your funny links!

Burger King Christmas Cards:
https://secure2.bk.com/en/us/campaigns/bk-dollar-holidays.html#Card/1

The Season's Most Expensive DIY Christmas Card:
http://gizmodo.com/5421829/the-seasons-most-expensive-diy-christmas-card

Wearing These Star Wars Baseball Caps May Be Dangerous for Your Health:
http://gizmodo.com/5421713/warning-wearing-these-star-wars-baseball-caps-may-be-dangerous-for-your-health

Fail List 2009 - Top 10 Break Fails:
http://www.break.com/break-classics/break-most-awesome/fail-list-2009---top-10-break-fails.html

How to Fire Someone in Gotham City:
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1795701

Dang, work is bizzy...

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:31:58 GMT

Wouldn't it be horrible if I spelled like that?

I've been nutty, crazy kinds of busy lately. If I actually accomplished stuff, it'd be frightening.

Sorry about yesterday. Here's even more funny links!

I work on website redesigns with Marketing - this is EXACTLY what happens:
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/design_hell

‘They Evolved!!’ New Poster Explains GALACTICA Opening!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43277

Capone says ignore EVERYBODY'S FINE's misleading ads and enjoy this solid family drama - sounds good to me:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43283

Your video of the day - The MSU comic collection:
http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/2009/12/your-video-of-the-day-the-msu-comic-collection/

Quick! Bid on the Gawker Sarah Palin Slam Book - Going Rogue:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170411443848&fromMakeTrack=true&ssPageName=VIP:watchlink:top:en

$10 USB Power Outlets Sound Like a No-Brainer:
http://gizmodo.com/5418898/10-usb-power-outlets-sound-like-a-no+brainer

25 Hilarious WiFi Network Names:
http://www.holytaco.com/25-hilarious-wifi-network-names

My $62.47 Royalty Statement - How Major Labels Cook the Books with Digital Downloads:
http://gizmodo.com/5417318/my-6247-royalty-statement-how-major-labels-cook-the-books-with-digital-downloads

The Pentagon invites you to play its red balloon game:
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18235-the-pentagon-invites-you-to-play-its-red-balloon-game.html

7 Insane True Stories Behind the World's Most WTF Houses:
http://www.cracked.com/article/216_7-insane-true-stories-behind-worlds-most-wtf-houses/

Eleven Great Edited for Television Movie Lines:
http://media.gunaxin.com/eleven-great-edited-for-television-movie-lines/38193

December 2nd...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:22:36 GMT

Oooh, I need something to post. What I got, however, is nothing.

Well, I probably have some stuff, but I need to do some work first. Maybe tomorrow?

C'mon, don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Or is it the other way around?

Funny links!

ZOMBIELAND Sequel Ramping Up While JACKASS Goes 3D - Jackass in 3D makes me shudder:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43255

James Cameron As CGI Crackhead:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/spoof-james-cameron-as-cgi-crackhead/

Actors recreate (sort of) their famous movie roles:
http://www.empireonline.com/gallery/gallery.asp?GID=2353

Merry Sithmas!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/powerpig/4150887766/sizes/o/

The Top Ten Real-Life Heists:
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-heists.html

A cool holiday T-shirt! I bought the sweater!
http://www.deezteez.com/funny-t-shirts/299/humping-reindeer-sweater-t-shirt.html

The Ten Greatest Things About Christmas Vacation:
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/christmas-vacation/

I didn't die...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:49:58 GMT

...I was just in a business meeting all morning and THOUGHT I was going to die.

Simple mistake. ;)

Funny links!

Aziz Ansari And Jason Woliner Sell A Shitload Of Funny To Judd Apatow!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43239

The history of A Charlie Brown Christmas:
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2009/11/charlie-brown-christmas-meets-mad-men.html

SMALLVILLE - Absolute Justice Teaser Trailer:
http://www.newsarama.com/comics/091121-Smallville-Absolute-Justice.html

The most used button on the register:
http://failblog.org/2009/12/01/the-most-used-button-on-the-register/

The 10 Dumbest Comic Book Hostess Ads - okay, I still liked them:
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/11/the_10_dumbest_comic_book_hostess_ads.php

I Gotta Feeling Parody - Your night out anthem becomes your morning after anthem:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1924835

This is effed up...and hilarious:
http://imsobadatsex.com/view/story/id/455

I'm alive!

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:05:48 GMT

Sorry I disappeared last week. I was sick on Monday and took the rest of the week off to stretch the tum-tum for turkey.

Updates!

Last we spoke, I auditioned for the part of a barbarian wizard.

...yeah, I didn't get the part. I thought the audition went well, but I could tell they were looking for someone different the second I walked in. Eh, no biggie. I kind of did that one on a whim.

As for the other part I auditioned for - I heard back on that one too. I didn't get it. Once again, I think I did well, but someone could have been better or "more right." I was a little disappointed about this, but I'll live. I think - if given the chance - I could do a great job acting with the right material and director.

...maybe I'll need to provide those things for myself. Hm.

Anyhow, I hope you all had a happy turkey day. On with the Christmas shopping!

Funny links!

YouTube Filmmaker Dude Gets Nabbed By Sam Raimi's Company!!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43232

Pulp Fiction Screenwriter Tweets From Jail, Ends Up Re-Imprisoned:
http://defamer.gawker.com/5414220/pulp-fiction-screenwriter-tweets-from-jail-ends-up-re+imprisoned

The rise of Comic Town - Portland!
http://www.oregonbusiness.com/articles/74-december-2009/2634-the-rise-of-comic-town

Ten Alternatives to Mininova:
http://lifehacker.com/5415321/ten-alternatives-to-mininova

How to Eat a Pomegranate Frustration Free:
http://lifehacker.com/5414001/how-to-eat-a-pomegranate-frustration-free

Picasso Superhero Images are Amazing Artworks:
http://www.walyou.com/blog/2009/11/30/picasso-superhero-art/

When Penis And Vagina Met Anus - A Love Story:
http://www.babelgum.com/browser.php#play/SEARCH,queryString:sex,order:TOP_RATED/16,110367

I love my little ones!

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:46:04 GMT

My wife got one of those plug-in air fresheners for the home recently. Somehow, it magically smells like Christmas - a combination of Christmas trees and cranberry spice cake.

Anyhow, me and the family were sitting around the dining room table a few nights ago eating dinner. Suddenly, my little five year old daughter stops eating, puts down her fork and says, "Mmm. It smells like goodness and joy."

***

What can I say, but "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!"

Kids rock!

Funny links!

"PHENOMENAL!" 'New Moon' May Have Set All-Time Midnights Record, Besting 'Harry Potter 6' & 'Dark Knight'; No Official # Yet:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/phenomenal-breaking-records-new-moon-doing-dark-knight-midnight-numbers/

Why Is Sandra Bullock Still a Star? - eh, I still like her...although I won't watch a lot of her movies:
http://defamer.gawker.com/5408566/why-is-sandra-bullock-still-a-star

Google says PC will start in seven seconds or less:
http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSTRE5AI4UQ20091120?rpc=64

Some people just have no appreciation for a little sexual mood-music:
http://www.topcultured.com/the-best-omegle-ownage-ever/

The 30 Most Disturbing Twilight Products:
http://io9.com/5407713/the-30-most-disturbing-twilight-products/gallery/

This little quiz will let you know how much your sperm is worth, which in turn will give you an idea how many millions of dollars you've wasted into napkins and socks over the years:
http://www.howmuchisyourspermworth.com/

6 Inventors Who Got Jack Shit for Changing the Modern World:
http://www.cracked.com/article/207_6-inventors-who-got-jack-shit-changing-modern-world/

Woooooo....

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:12:20 GMT

So, the audition...you're curious, ain't ya?

Well, I showed up about 25 minutes before my audition time. I parked my car, stepped out into the parking lot, and all of a sudden my head realized what I was going to do.

I got lightheaded and my heart started racing. I questioned what the hell I was doing and forced myself to take deep breaths...

What the hell?

Also, when I get nervous, I pee...a lot. Within that 25 minute waiting period, I peed at least 5 times. And then my hands were trembling, so I can't even pee in a straight line (too much info? sorry...).

I tried every mind trick possible to calm down. I read, I told myself the audition wasn't important, I tried fooling my mind into thinking that I knew the people I was going to audition with, I sang out loud...

Each of those things worked for a couple of minutes, but then I would revert to trembly guy. It was so hard.

And then...the director came out to welcome me to the audition. She was super-friendly, and the trembles went away. My heart stopped the super-fast beats and settled into fast beats. We had a nice intro chat, and then...I acted.

And I was pretty good. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give myself at least a 7...maybe an 8 if I was feeling overly generous.

I thought I had good chemistry with the other actress, I think I came across as sincere, and...well, I had fun.

My adrenaline was so high before the audition, I was expecting to crash afterwards. Surprisingly, I didn't. I was on such a rush from the audition. I really, really had a great time, and I'd REALLY like to get this part. I think it would be a great experience.

Granted, I may not get it...for all kinds of reasons. They may have had a different kind of character in mind than the one I put out for them. Another actor may have had better chemistry with the actress...or maybe he just looked "more right" for the role. It happens.

When I cast my last film, I found four people who were "possibles" for the role (2 guys and 2 girls). However, I didn't feel the look of one guy matched one girl and vice-versa. So I had to pick my actors by pairs. The actress I picked wasn't a better actress per se than the other finalist; however, she felt more authentic - more "right" to me. And that's the way I went - off a gut feeling. And that's how it goes sometimes. No rhyme or reason as to who gets cast, just a "feeling."

I think I was right in my choice, although I later discovered that the actress hadn't had ANY acting experience. She came to the audition on a whim...which is kinda what I did last night.

Let's hope Karma pays me back!

When I have folks auditioning for me, I tell them that they'll hear by a certain date if they've got the part. If they don't hear by then, they can assume I've made a decision to go a different direction than what they offered in the audition.

In L.A. - when I first started casting for films - I used to call all the actors back to let them know my decision either way, but this resulted in a lot of weird conversations.

"Why didn't you pick me? What did I do wrong?!?"

"Thanks for the call." (said in a heavily sarcastic tone)

"Thank you for calling! No casting agent ever calls. I really appreciate it! Are you doing any other productions later this year? Do you need help with the shoot? Wanna be my friend?" (this sorta, actually happened - actors need positive reinforcement, I guess)

Anyhow, this has led to me only calling the actors I choose, or actors that really impress me in the audition (even though I decide not to pick them). I usually call those not chosen to let them know they did a great job, and even though I went a different "way" I hope to have the chance to work with them in the future (which is true).

In the case of the audition I had, I'm supposed to find out by December 1st if I've got the part, so expect me to be on pins and needles till then. If I don't get it, I'll live...but I really hope to get it!

I'm so needy.

Geez, maybe I AM an actor. ;)

Funny links!

REAL-LIFE SERIES STEVEN SEAGAL LAWMAN - I so hope he gets his ass kicked:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43115

Anne Hathaway Wanted For 'Spider-Man 4' - just make this better than Spider-Man 3...please:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/anne-hathaway-wanted-for-spider-man-4/

Marvel’s WHAT TH–?! takes on TWILIGHT - With Kitty Pryde as Bella:
http://pwbeat.publishersweekly.com/blog/2009/11/19/marvels-what-th-takes-on-twilight/

Risky Business Fail:
http://failblog.org/2009/11/19/risky-business-fail/

The Thirty Funniest "OOPS" Photos Of All Time:
http://www.manofest.com/Galleries/Funny/The-30-Funniest-Oops-Photos-Of-All-Time/729824_1aa6cdbb-29d7-418d-bd81-5603867421a3_prod-7900.html

Wow, remember Sarah Palin? She really opens up on the Oprah show about all kinds of crazy stuff, and Conan O'Brien has the exclusive clip:
http://www.tonightshowwithconanobrien.com/video/clips/palin-on-oprah-111709/1176856/

Audition tonight...

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:40:55 GMT

This is going to be interesting.

I've been looking at the part and going through it in my head all week. It's not a standard type of audition where you read "sides." For this one, they're asking you to improv scenarios. I've been curious about directing that way, so it'll be a good experience to try that in acting.

I'm equally excited and nervous...but mostly excited. Every once in awhile, I'm feeling my heartbeat racing about this whole thing, but I'm trying to keep in my head that the audition is just like reading to my kids (I'm an awesome bedtime reader!).

It shouldn't be that important to me - it's not like I want to be an actor. It's just...I kinda want to do this.

And another announcement - I have one more audition on Friday. I'm not going to make this a habit or nothin', but I've met this filmmaker via email before and his projects sound fun. I'd get to play a barbarian-wizard if I got the part. How cool would that be?

Here's hoping I break a leg! (I hope that's the right way to phrase that...)

Funny links!

Qualcomm Ebook Display Ups the Ante with Full Color and Video - where's my comics?
http://gizmodo.com/5407633/qualcomm-ebook-display-ups-the-ante-with-full-color-and-video

Many of the cards at "My Amazing Holiday Card" would probably fit better under the categories Awkward, Insane, Offensive, Ridiculous, etc. instead of amazing, yet that's what makes them amazing. It's a conundrum:
http://myamazingholidaycard.tumblr.com/

6 Products Designed Solely to Make You a Worse Person:
http://www.cracked.com/article/200_6-products-designed-solely-to-make-you-worse-person/

Running late...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:52:21 GMT

Lotsa stuff going on today. Sorry I don't have stories and stuff, just funny links!

Bug fights!!!
http://www.japanesebugfights.com/2.htm

Here's Proof Originality Doesn't Pay in Hollyw'd:
http://www.thewrap.com/article/originality-doesnt-pay-hollywood-10253?page=1

Letterman Top 10 on Sarah Palin's book:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/17/top-ten-surprises-in-sara_n_360425.html

What Happens When You Bring a 22-Year-Old Mac to the Genius Bar?
http://gizmodo.com/5406566/what-happens-when-you-bring-a-22+year+old-mac-to-the-genius-bar

30 Killer Movie Closing Lines:
http://www.totalfilm.com/features/30-killer-movie-closing-lines

Bruno Exposes Parenting Fail!
http://failblog.org/2009/11/17/bruno-exposes-parenting-fail-own-bruno-1117-on-dvd-blu-ray/

The 15 Dumbest Superhero Retcons Of All Time:
http://io9.com/5405696/the-15-dumbest-superhero-retcons-of-all-time

The 30 Best Action Figures of the 80’s:
http://gadgets.gunaxin.com/the-30-best-action-figures-of-the-80s/34730

40 Hot Girls Dressed As Jessica Rabbit - yay!
http://www.manofest.com/Galleries/Geek/40-Hot-Girls-Dressed-As-Jessica-Rabbit/jessica-rabbit-cosplay-7797.html#joomimg

Tired...

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:32:21 GMT

Just feeling sooo tired lately. Thought I'd bitch and moan a tad.

...okay, I'm done. On with the show!

Funny links!

Soccer Taunt Backfires on Goalie:
http://www.totalprosports.com/blog/index.php/2009/11/soccer-taunt-backfires-on-goalie-video/

Answer Fail:
http://failblog.org/2009/11/16/answer-fail-2/

Anyone going to complain if I link to a collection of hot girls doing silly things on game shows? No? Ok, good:
http://www.uncoached.com/2009/11/16/videos-of-sexy-gameshow-girls-doing-stupid-stuff/

The 10 Longest and Awesomest Movie Fight Scenes of All Time:
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/11/the_10_longestawesomest_movie_fight_scenes_of_all.php

Feeling Glee-ful...

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:37:03 GMT

Damn, I love "Glee" in a very non-manly way. I watch one damn episode and I got the songs from the show stuck in my head all week. Still, it was one of the best renditions of "Dancing With Myself" I've ever heard.

I'm so damn glad Friday is here too. I'm ready for the week to be over. It's not a bad week, I'm just feeling kinda antsy - which ain't good for anyone.

Another funny little anecdote - my wife and I are considering heading to Greece with the family this summer. As I mentioned the last time I went there, I have mixed feelings about the place. It's never quite the relaxing haven it should be. My wife and I had a discussion about the possible trip last night...

WIFEY: You look tense.

ME: I just...I know Greece is supposed to be my "motherland" and all, it's just not my idea of a dream vacation for some reason.

Wifey chuckles.

WIFEY: Well, the last time we went you did get an intestinal bacterial infection.

ME: And the time before that, war broke out (NOTE: We were in Greece when 9/11 occurred). Oh, and then the time BEFORE the time before that, I got the mumps.

Wifey looks at me. She laughs.

WIFEY: Maybe it's time to go to Hawaii.

***

Yeah, we'll be going to Greece. I've reserved a casket for the trip home.

Funny links!

A funny review of the comic book bio of Stephenie Meyer, writer of Twilight:
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2009/11/12/stephenie-meyer-comic-book-twilight/

Great advice on character development from John August - something I need to personally work on more in my scripts:
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2009/burn-it-down

Clicker Is a One-Stop Shop for Streaming Television:
http://lifehacker.com/5403092/clicker-is-a-one+stop-shop-for-streaming-television

When Cartoons Villians Succeed…
http://www.gunaxin.com/when-cartoons-villians-succeed/15812

The 5 Biggest Marijuana Myths Debunked:
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/11/12/the-5-biggest-marijuana-myths-debunked/

Prank War 8 - The Skydiving Prank:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1923808

Time for something stupid...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:56:14 GMT

Okay, remember how I said I might be doing something stupid last week? Well, here it is...

I'm auditioning for a part in a short film.

The script I'm working on contains a character who has some similarities to me, and I've been acting the character out in my head a ton. Well, I'm on an email list for casting calls, and a request popped up for a male, age 35-40. The character has some other stuff in common with the guy I'm writing, so I thought doing some acting might help me understand the character better.

I was a bit nervous about informing wifey of this. Not only is it a something that will require time from me, but potentially I'll be kissing another woman (the character is a married man). I was pleasantly surprised, however, when I told her about this and she laughed. She told me she wasn't worried and to go for it.

Ain't she great?

The wife in the film has already been cast and she's "less petite" than my wife, so that helps (although wifey never even saw the woman's picture - she trusts me!).

The audition is next week, and I got the script this morning. It's, um, quite a bit different than I imagined. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of improv, but I've been wanting to try that out in filmmaking, so this works on both fronts.

We'll see what happens. Ain't life interesting?

Funny links!

Ridley Scott's MONOPOLY Movie Is About...gee, I hope they're kidding:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43046

‘Oh Yeah!! You Didn’t See That, Did Ya??’ The Trailer For KICK-ASS Kicks Ass, My Friend!!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43027

Writer Bill Birch! Talks About! The SHAZAM! Movie!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/43031

Whedon's DOLLHOUSE Put Away For Good!
http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/node/43036

In memory of David Lloyd - a great comedy writer:
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2009/11/in-memory-of-david-lloyd.html

Petey Greene, How to Eat Watermelon - you WILL laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-eitsutpOc&feature=related

Disgruntled Star Editor Takes Constructive Revenge:
http://torontoist.com/2009/11/disgruntled_star_editor_takes_revenge.php

It's a humpless week...

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:34:08 GMT

Gettin' Wednesday off! Love that state job!

Funny links!

X-Men 2 Screenwriter Explains How He Would Have Written X3:
http://io9.com/5400510/x2-screenwriter-explains-how-he-would-have-written-x3/gallery/

The Matrix, Starring Charlie Chaplin:
http://io9.com/5400022/the-matrix-starring-charlie-chaplin

Christopher Walken performs Lady Gaga's Poker Face:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2guQYivZ6w

19 Truly Tasteless T-shirts:
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2009/11/offensive.html

Whew, Several ambiguous movie endings are finally resolved in this video. Now we can get on with our lives:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1923484

Sometimes you just need a little bit more Chewbacca in your day:
http://instantchewbacca.com/

Time for a story?

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:37:13 GMT

I wanted to write something for you folks, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something. Let's see...

Maybe we can talk about persistence?

I don't know what's made me think of that, but I'll go with it.

I've had a lot of fortune and a lot of luck in life, but I've also had to work my balls off for other stuff.

I've mentioned about being a Valedictorian in high school - don't ask me how that happened. Well, go ahead and ask, and I guess I'll humbly admit to hard work and a certain amount of mental capacity that allows for holding knowledge. I'm not one of those that has a super-high IQ or anything. My SAT score was 1210 (good, but not genius), and I graduated college with a 3.3.

But in high school? I got good grades because I earned them. It's not something I admitted to in high school (or even now), but I worked my ass off. Considering how easily I get distracted too, that took a lot of work. Many of my fellow students would just credit me with being "naturally intelligent" - but if you've read this blog, you'd know that's not the case. I studied when it called for it...of course, the fact that I wasn't distracted by girls or sex until my senior year in high school probably helped a lot. ;)

Persistence.

With wrestling, well, I've mentioned the nightmares. I worked my ass off there too - losing 12-18 pounds (when I didn't have that much to lose), weight training and running in the off season, and going to crazy-ass wrestling camps. I went to the "Iowa Intensive" program, which was two weeks long, woke us up at 7am in the morning, and required us to run 12 miles to "graduate." What kind of high school student spends their summer that way?!? I never won the league championship, but as the captain of the team I led them to a team championship and won the Most Inspirational trophy.

Persistence.

To get into USC's film school, I applied 3 different times before I was accepted, and even then, I was on the waiting list at first. I'll never forget the call from admissions - "This is the third time I've seen your name come across my desk. You must really want to go here..."

Thank heaven for an interesting last name!

Persistence.

I applied to UW jobs for two years before I got into the job I have now. Why? I dunno.

Persistence.

I've been married to the same woman for 15 years. All told, we've been together for 21 years. It hasn't always been smooth or easy, but it's always been worthwhile...

Persistence...and love.

Keep it moving folks!

Funny links!

Comic books are good for children's learning - even I knew that!
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/6516323/Comic-books-are-good-for-childrens-learning.html

Clip of the Halloween episode of Castle - if you're a Firefly/Serenity fan, watch this!
http://www.peterdavid.net/index.php/2009/11/06/cowboy-pete-makes-a-tv-roundup-of-cowboys/

Sammy Sosa Pictures Reveal Light Pigmentation - Steroids are BAAAAAD:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/07/sammy-sosas-skin-photos-p_n_349602.html

Make a bow out of any nearby paper:
http://howaboutorange.blogspot.com/2009/10/make-gift-bow-from-magazine-page.html

Did Avatar Really Cost $500 Million? - ew, I hope not:
http://io9.com/5400109/did-avatar-really-cost-500-million

Worst Porno Ever (SFW Pic):
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/phpimages/photoshop/0/0/6/1006_slide.jpg

Verizon takes another swing at AT&T, puts iPhone on the Island of Misfit Toys:
http://www.engadget.com/2009/11/08/verizon-takes-another-swing-at-atandt-puts-iphone-on-the-island-o/

Ewoks go nuts on Halloween - awesome!!!
http://video.hollywoodreporter.com/services/player/bcpid6555681001?bctid=47042726001

6 Insane Laws We'll Need in the Future:
http://www.cracked.com/article/192_6-insane-laws-well-need-in-future/

Hot Chicks With Light Sabers - the boobs are strong with these:
http://www.manofest.com/Galleries/Geek/25-Hot-Girls-With-Lightsabers/Bastilla-San-7561.html#joomimg

Big ass storm last night...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:15:28 GMT

Lightning shook our freaking windows. Craziness ensued.

I might be doing something dumb next week. Stay tuned...

Funny links!

DK Mode says KICK ASS is the most entertaining comic-book movie he has ever seen!
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/42992

Hey there! It's Dan Aykroyd as Yogi Bear?!? And Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo? It's not April Fool's Day is it?
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/42995

The Office webisodes - Subtle Sexuality!
http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/webisodes/subtle-sexuality/?vid=1170176#vid=1170202

When characters say the name of the movie:
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2009/say-name-movie

How do we determine screen credits?
http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2009/11/how-do-we-determine-screen-credits.html

Can the Spidey musical overcome its greatest foes?
http://pwbeat.publishersweekly.com/blog/2009/11/06/can-the-spidey-musical-overcome-its-greatest-foes/

Prank Musical Uses 7 Secret, Joystick-Controlled Cameras to Capture the Magic:
http://gizmodo.com/5398765/prank-musical-uses-7-secret-joystick+controlled-cameras-to-capture-the-magic?autoplay=true

'2001' Geeks, Rejoice! World Learns Why HAL Sang 'Daisy':
http://www.switched.com/2009/11/04/2001-geeks-rejoice-world-learns-why-hal-sang-daisy/

The ideal present for Christmas...
http://www.dicktowel.com/dicktowel.html

Lois Griffin's Ten Sexiest Moments:
http://familyguy.comedy.com/2009/11/05/lois-family-guy/

I got meetings today...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:31:38 GMT

So I'm gonna funny links and run!

MPAA BETRAYS THEATERS - Asks FCC To Let Studios Transmit First-Run Films Directly To Consumers:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/mpaa-betrays-theaters-asks-fcc-to-let-studios-transmit-first-run-films-directly-to-consumers/

THE END OF 'OPRAH' AS WE KNOW HER - Daytime Queen Giving Up Syndicated Talk Show & Moving It To Her Cable Network In 2011:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/the-end-of-oprah-as-we-know-her/

A comic book stash worth $1 million was found in the basement of a $65,000 home:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/11/03/dnt.valuable.comics.ktvi

What happens if gays marry:
http://www.pvponline.com/2009/11/04/drama-queen/

Sesame Street Mocks "Pox News," Conservative Blogger Not Amused:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/04/sesame-street-trashes-pox_n_345510.html

Ribbit Mobile Wants to Be a Better Voicemail (and Better Google Voice):
http://lifehacker.com/5397859/ribbit-mobile-wants-to-be-a-better-voicemail-and-better-google-voice

Bikini Leia and her stunt double nap under the Tatooine suns:
http://scifiwire.com/2009/11/bikini-leia-and-her-stunt.php

Disney Will Make Over Mickey - Why? To Make Us Like Him:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/05/business/media/05mickey.html?_r=1

It's a sexy babe Twister party, are you coming?
http://coedmagazine.com/2009/11/04/hot-girl-twister-party-52-photos/